Your perception of “many” children may be contingent on your current lifestyle, beliefs and quite possibly your spouse’s opinion that constantly rattles in your head. So, whenever you meet a mom (or dad) and from your viewpoint has “many” kids, take these tips to heart. Say this instead of the typical, instinctual (and possibly insulting) comments and/or questions. You just may not only not look like someone with their foot stuck in their mouth, but you could be their breath of fresh potpourri without any hint of staleness or rot!
Wow, what a group! Do you have any twins?
So now you’ve acknowledge my mini tribe of children and instead of asking me “Are they all yours?” You’ve politely assumed that they are and I can comment on your genuine question if there are any twins in the mix. Moms don’t mind talking about twins or singletons, either way, the kids are ours. Whether blended or natural born or adopted, what matters is that they are ours! And you have taken that special moment of reminding us of our blessings and your true curiosity of who’s all in the mix.
Trust me, if you ask that question and they are not all the mother’s children, she will more than likely answer your question and proceed to say which ones she valiantly claims as her offspring.
If you can hold your tongue… hold it. Whether or not all the children come from the mother’s body, she loves each and everyone of them. Period. If the mother looks physically well for her brood, say she looks rested and in control. This statement goes well beyond the “body image” and into the mother’s lifestyle and mindset (because she can still think straight!) that you are commending. After all, it really doesn’t matter where the kids come from for a mom (or dad) to look “good” for having many children. Stress is stress, body change is body change. How a parent handles their children may or may not reflect on their physical appearance. So, why the possible “are they all yours… (sometimes followed by – the instinctual foot in mouth comment – you had all these children?”)
Say instead: You look so rested and in control, whatever you are doing, write a book!
Time management must be second nature to you as breathing!
Ah, in this fast-paced economy where putting down a smart phone must mean you literally passed out, just knowing that you acknowledged my abilities to manage a household full of children AND a spouse is all the praise we mommas need. We aren’t busy per se, but we can have a lot on our plate.
This sounds so much nicer and productive than hearing, “You’ve got your hands full, you must be so busy.”
Literally, our hands are full of love, service and gratitude. It sounds tragic and almost like an unfortunate event that we have many children and you point it out as a “fact” that it equals “busy” – a somewhat negative connotation. I don’t ever see myself as “busy”. Rather, us moms and dads are being productive, loving, serving and raising our children – which is a joy beyond measure. There are times…well, a lot of the time I feel more defensive than appreciative of a comment like that. No one wants to hear how someone else perceives their lifestyle or even suggest how it must be – especially by complete strangers. Your hands may feel full just thinking about it being you, however, those are just your thoughts.
Say instead: I can’t imagine your daily routine, but whatever it is, it looks to be fulfilling and rewarding.
Do you believe more blessings (children) are in your future?
I’m often baffled by the question, though I realize that it’s often asked out of curiosity more than anything. Hearing the question about my belief is more respectful than a simply blurted out, “Are you done yet?” question that can have many tones of unreadable meanings. People are curious, I get that. Even though you may never see my family again (or another large family you run into) in your lifetime, the curiosity has you striking up a conversation and asking. How you ask can be one that fuels the parents’ positive choices in life or one that degrades and belittles them.
Which would you rather have? Encouragement of genuine interest or feeling like a menace to society and your inability to make sound decisions in your life (that doesn’t even affect the person asking)?
It really doesn’t matter who asks this question, but from my experience, it has had both positive and negative results. Unfortunately, more negative…and they haven’t come from strangers. So, before inserting foot into mouth, think about what the family is already going through with judgments from those they love and trust. You, being a complete stranger (more than likely) can either decide to make or break part of their day by just another “ho hum” comment a mom or dad needs to breathe through, or an uplifting and empowering inhale of life that negates all compromises to their big, beautiful family. {See How My Uterus Affects Your Life blog post}
Say instead: Whatever your path is in life, may you never have regrets about your family’s decisions and the children who come into it.
You seem like you want for nothing – it must mean more love than bills are on your plate!
“…Life is not measured by how much one owns.” Luke 12:15b
When someone tells me “Kids are expensive!” All I’m thinking is: from your perspective or mine? Because it sounds like you think my family can’t budget, we’re up to our earballs in debt and we’re doomed for welfare and bankruptcy.
Yes, America as a whole may have financial issues, but presuming and stating your opinionated “fact” to a large family can be a bit insulting (though it seems like a harmless phrase).
First… what’s expensive outside of the average family home? Your average becomes “our” average. We can either choose to budget wisely and have all of our needs met (notice the word needs versus how I didn’t say wants), or not. Just the same as a family of 4.
Expensive is based upon what you buy – not how you live.
Say instead: Nothing.
After all, aren’t finances somewhat a private matter? We’re not asking you about your livelihood and why we see some families with a new car every year…
So, there you have it! These are my top 4 comments/questions that we (hubby and I) hear quite often. Whether or not you come from a large family, know of one or happen to pass by a mother or father with a brood of kids in tow…please be courteous and mindful of your words. That’s all we large, beautiful and unforgettable families ask! 🙂
